Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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