The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
