i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
