Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
