Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
