Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
