Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
