All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
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Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
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My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.