I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
