It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Randomize
