I think I won the penis lottery.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
23 Adults Confess The Irrational Fears They Had When They Were Kids
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
These 25 Women First Experienced Sexual Harassment At A Shocking Age
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head