Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
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I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
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THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
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