For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
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obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
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Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I would not recommend douching while drunk.