Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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