when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
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