you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
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