so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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