I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize