Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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