foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I'm getting married
To pizza
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
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