I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
It was like getting head from an anaconda
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
