woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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