I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
