Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
