Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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