I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
