No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Randomize
