you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
21 People Reveal The Most Embarrassing Secrets They Know About Someone
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.