Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
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There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
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College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level