I'm gonna have a badass scar
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.