Four minutes until I can fart!
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.