It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it