just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
