I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
