apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
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casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
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Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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