Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
