We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
