Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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