I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
