Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
