I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
