Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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