im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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