I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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