I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
