so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
