My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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