Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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