i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
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