I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Randomize
