Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
i think my tv is drunk
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
