Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
