At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
