I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
