Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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