if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize