Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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