I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Randomize
