When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
